Season 1

The Serpent's Tooth (28' 43")

First Broadcast: 19 September 2000

Breakfast time. Nick asks Ben if he can borrow his laptop. Ben has forgotten that he is supposed to go out with Susan tonight - he has arranged to see a patient. Ben agrees to let Nick use his laptop to have an e-mail relationship with a girl. Janey tells Ben she has an appointment with another dentist. At the surgery Brigitte says it is a disgrace Ben can't make time for his children. Later Janey is admiring her teeth in the mirror while Nick makes e-mail contact with Isabelle. Janey is sceptical when Nick tells her that Isobelle is a model. Michael arrives home with a new pet rabbit. When the family sit down to eat Janey tells them about Mel, her dentist. That night in bed Ben tells Susan he's worried about Janey's crush on another dentist. When he kisses Susan he notices that she has had a filling repaired. He is furious that she has also been seeing Mel. Ben goes downstairs and pours his heart out to the rabbit. The next morning at breakfast Nick brings in a photo of Isabelle - she is also in last months copy of Vogue. They do not believe that Nick's email friend is really the girl in the photo. Nick says he thinks the rabbit is evil. Michael tells Ben that Surfing Mel has his own website. When Susan's filling falls out Ben says Surfing Mel can fix it. At the surgery Brigitte says Ben is the last to know that his wife is seeing another dentist. That night Ben comes down and tells Nick to get off the laptop. Nick bets Ben fifty quid she's the girlfrom the magazine. Nick says she is coming over. Ben gets Nick to help him to find Surfing Mel's website. Susan enters to find them looking at the Oral Contacts website. Ben confesses to Susan that he was looking for Surfing Mel's website. He insults Susan by saying that Australians will have 'anything in a dress'. Ben tries to blame the rabbit for all his problems. The next day Susan and Ben explain to Michael that all parents argue and they are not getting a divorce. Janey arrives home from a visit to Surfing Mel. She is distraught that Mel thinks she is a child. Ben says he can probably fit her in on Monday. Isabelle arrives. She is shocked to see Nick is not a girl. She slaps him and storms away shouting in French. Nick says Ben still owes him fifty quid.

A Pain In The Class (28' 20")

First Broadcast: 26 September 2000

Ben wakes to hear birds singing. He storms to the window and shouts to them to shut up. When a dog starts to bark Ben throws his shoe. We hear a window break and Ben jumps back into bed just as Susan’s alarm goes off. In the Surgery Ben tells his patient about his weekend. He apologises to Brigitte for saying she had the memory of a retarded glove puppet. She remembers that Ben has had a call saying there’s trouble at home. Susan tells Janey to call the boys for dinner. Janey announces she wants a tattoo. Ben arrives saying he’s sorry he’s late but he didn’t get her message. Susan tells him Michael is being bullied by Jason Hodder but Ben tries to play it down. Nick arrives saying he’s going to become a dotcom millionaire. Janey asks Ben for a tattoo but he also says no. Michael explains why he didn’t tell Ben or Susan about the bullying earlier. Later in bed Susan accuses Ben of not caring. Michael agrees to teach Nick about computers when Ben arrives and tells Nick to leave – Ben tells Michael to try and put him down – Michael says the only reason he’s a dentist is because he failed to get into medical school. Ben returns to his bedroom and starts looking for his tax receipts. Susan says if he’d been more organised he could have been a doctor. The next morning Janey continues in her attempt to persuade Susan to agree to a tattoo. Susan tells Michael to go straight to the head teacher if he has any trouble at school. Susan rings Ben at the surgery to tell him that Michael has come home covered in custard. Jason’s parents come over for a drink to sort things out. They say they don’t believe in discipline. As they leave, Ben hits Mr Hodder with a newspaper. Two days later Michael arrives late saying Janey beat Jason up. She shows him her tattoo. That evening, watching tv, Nick is working on his website. Ben gives Micael advice to help him throughout his life: ‘None of it gets any better but the more it happens the less it hurts’.

Droit De Seigneur Ben (28' 53")

First Broadcast: 3 October 2000

In the Surgery Brigitte informs Ben that he is working on Lord Whitten, champion of organic farmers. Lord Whitten tells him about his problems with his son and Brigitte suggests Janey as a suitable date. Janey is not pleased when Ben tells her he has fixed her up – he would only pick some kind of loser. She changes her tune when she sees a picture of Young Whitten in this week’s copy of Hello - ‘he’s absolutely gorgeous’. Ben returns home late to discover that Nick has become an artist. Susan has got Ben his favourite meal – Chinese takeaway. She tells him that Janey is already out on her date and that she has tickets for Don Giovanni. Ben complains that he hates opera. Susan suggests he listens to the record whilst reading the libretto but he refuses. Later Nick persuades Ben he might as well give Don Giovanni a try. Ben listens to it and is obviously moved when Janey returns from her date. It has obviously not gone well. At breakfast the next morning Susan gets rid of Nick and Michael so that she can have a heart-to-heart with Janey. Janey confesses that Young Whitten tried to assualt her but she dealt with it. That night Susan has trouble sleeping and tells Ben about Young Whitten. Ben is incensed and reminds Susan of what happens in Don Giovanni. Ben visits Janey in her room – she is not very forthcoming and stops herself from admitting she’s not a virgin anymore: ‘I’m not a vir—ry naïve person’. Ben returns to bed and tells Susan about Janey not being ‘virry naïve’ – meaning Janey is no longer a virgin. Susan reassures Ben he’s got it wrong. Ben goes straight to sleep and Susan is now left awake.The next morning Young Whitten turns up at the Surgery for treatment. Ben and Brigitte are furious with him and are less than gentle with his treatment. In agony, he lurches out of the dentists’ chair and says he is not Toby – he is James. Ben and Brigitte are full of remorse for their treatment of him. When Toby says he’s gay, Brigitte mentions that Ben has a son. Ben and Susan return from the opera, Ben having enjoyed every minute of it. Both are in a romantic mood until they see Nick painting himself in the nude.

The Last Resort (28' 50")

First Broadcast: 10 October 2000

Janey decides to warn Ben that Susan’s 40th birthday is once again upon them. Ben rushes in to tell her he hasn’t forgotten and Susan tells him it’s not for three days yet. Janey decided he needed time to organise something, and why not take her for a weekend away just the two of them. After much discussion, it is decided that Susan would like to go to the small bed and breakfast they went to 20 years ago before they were married, so much to Ben’s horror it is agreed… Susan tells the children all the numbers in case of emergencies, although no one listens and they are off leaving Nick in charge of the troops. Later that night Ben and Susan arrive after a long, ‘lost’ journey. They manage to get into room 7 where they stayed before, they see a young lovey-dovey couple, Ben asks if there is any chance of something to eat but is informed that the chef has gone home and locked the kitchen. They are given a mint imperial. Meanwhile back at home, Nick tells Janey she must put on something more respectable before she goes on her date. Then realises that if he goes out to the pub, there is no one to look after Michael. Michael asks for £10 per hour and agrees to stay on his own. Back in the hotel, the room is tiny and Ben can think of nothing but food. They hear a couple in the next room in bed, and Susan finds a bar of chocolate, which cheers them up enormously. Nick waits up for Janey when she comes back from her date and tells her she is too late home. Janey asks for his advice on why her date, Liam, wanted to play table football with the lads and gets the immature git’s perspective as a reply, as one would expect. It is still raining at the hotel, Susan asks if she could switch rooms back to the original ones, as the couple next door are rather loud. But it’s full. They look at all sorts of brochures telling them of local attractions including a dolphinarium with no dolphin, but still with a tank! In the dining room they meet Joan and Peter Pickering who tell them, much to Ben and Susan’s surprise, that they are the couple next door. Not the young lovebirds. Back in the room Susan and Ben decide to go to bed until Susan starts thinking about turning 40 again, and imagines what her life may have been like if she’d taken a different turn. The couple start up again and they are both very depressed. Later that day, Ben is seen trying to do a jigsaw puzzle, when he is informed by Bernard, the hotel owner, that half the pieces are missing. Joan and Peter join him and Ben talks of mid-life crisis, and Peter buys him a drink. Susan, who is on the phone to upset Nick, who is taking his new-found parental responsibilities hard, has a knock on the door and it is Chloe, come to borrow some make-up remover and obviously have a chat with an older and wiser woman. Chloe tells Susan that the Pickerings are swingers. Susan goes down to tell Ben but he has had a few by now and doesn’t want to listen to her. The four decide to go out together, Susan decides it’s time to go upstairs, when Ben feels what he thinks is Susan’s foot in his lap. He says he is tired too, but when Susan leaves he is left with Joan’s foot in his lap. Back in the bedroom he accuses Susan of not telling him and she retorts that he wouldn’t listen. There is a knock on the door and they are afraid it’s the Pickerings, it is only Bernard with the guest book Susan wanted to see. We see Ben and Susan pretending to have a good time, while the Pickerings are listening through the wall and obviously fed up. Ben and Susan return home to the house immaculate, the children all dressed in their Sunday Best. The children, when asked, end up fighting and shouting at each other, Ben and Susan pick up their cases and decide to leave again, possibly to Spain this time.

A Farewell To Alarms (28' 39")

First Broadcast: 17 October 2000

Brigitte decides that Ben’s surgery needs rearranging, as his ‘chi’ is in a very bad place. Ben disagrees and tells Brigitte to put everything back exactly how it was, including the dental chair, even if it means losing a few patients. Ben returns home to Susan who is about to prepare one of her ‘special’ dinners. Susan is concerned about the crime rate and Nick interrupts and obviously wants something. Nick asks to borrow money to buy a car, he says he can’t get a job without being able to drive around. Ben gives him 70p for a bus far. Much to Ben’s horror, when the doorbell rings it’s Brigitte who arrives to give them large blue stones suggesting that placing them outside the front door might stop Ben’s negative flow. Susan suggests they may need an entire wall, so Brigitte decides to bring more from the van. While she goes out Nick tells Ben he likes her and Ben says not to even think about it. Brigitte returns and her 1974 psychedelic van has been stolen. Susan is now even more worried about the rising crime rate, and Nick decides to become a stripper - Nick Naked. He has also made a list of proper jobs, such as contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Susan brings up crime rate facts, and has bribed Michael with all the details. She now definitely wants an alarm, but Ben doesn’t. Ben goes to work in a bad mood to be told that Brigitte has found her van, it was where she left it. Ben tells Susan that night in bed that Brigitte’s van was there all along, so the crime rate isn’t so bad after all and they don’t need an alarm. Susan insists they do, and then they hear a noise downstairs. Ben goes to investigate and finds out that Nick has sublet his room to Brian. Nick is told he is not allowed to be a landlord as he has no land to lord, not even the tool shed. Susan has arranged for an alarm specialist to call to give an estimate. Mitch decides there are 25 places of entry and recommends the most expensive policy. Ben says they will take the cheap one. The family discuss the new alarm system, Michael understands where all the beams go better than anyone. They have to think of a code for it. 3/5/9/6 and no one asks Ben, he says 7. The alarm system is linked to the police station. That night, the alarm went off three times. Everyone is becoming very tired. Ben arrives the next day at the surgery and decides to take a nap. When the phone rings it’s Janey who can’t remember the code, Michael has locked her out. Ben orders Michael to let her in and Nick calls wanting to borrow a thong. He is so exasperated that when the police ring he has already told Brigitte to say he’s not in. The police arrive to say they have had complaints from the neighbours. Nick as a PC is rehearsing his strip act with three girls. Once they realise it is a strip act, they walk out. The alarm goes off again, and the policeman arrives at the door, he decides to let Ben off when he sees Nick dressed in his policeman’s outfit but when he notices there is no bottom in the costume he takes Ben’s name. That night, Ben has left the alarm off and Susan tells him to go and turn it on. He activates it and we see a Mission Impossible sequence where he tries to get upstairs without the alarm going off. The next morning, Susan is on the phone to the alarm people, everyone is exhausted and Ben is very cross. He rips it off the wall just as Susan is trying to tell him they will give them a full refund. Ben asks for the manual.

Death and Ben Take A Policy (28' 34")

First Broadcast: 24 October 2000

Ben, at work in his surgery, discusses death with Father Connelly. Ben tries to explain treatment options to Mrs Dudley but she insists she wants the cheapest. Brigitte enters to say Ben’s son is on the phone asking for £50 to unclamp the car. He describes Nick as a layabout. Meanwhile Nick is being interviewed for a job but his only qualification appears to be ‘unflappable calm under pressure’. Susan arrives at the surgery as Mrs Dudley marches out complaining about Ben’s attitude. Susan tells Ben that one of her tour guides has lost a Chinese businessman in Madame Tussauds. When Mrs Dudley returns to give Ben a second change, he quickly follows Susan out of the surgery. That evening at dinner, Janey asks if she can have a water bra. Nick arrives saying he tried to get a job but he let Emily have it. He asks if Emily can come round to sell them a life insurance policy. Susan reveals she already has a small one as she had forged Ben’s signature. Susan receives a phone call telling her that Mr Chen has been found dead. Later in bed, Susan is worried about how Mr Chen’s death will affect the children. Janey is in her bedroom trying on the water bra (which she has already brought) when it bursts. Susan enters to tell Janey about Mr Chen but she is unconcerned. Back in bed Susan is frustrated at the younger generation’s ability to act so ‘cool’ about everything. The next day Ben is back at work when Nick arrives. Nick persuades Ben to agree to Emily coming round tonight by saying if all goes well with Emily, she might want him to live with her. Ie it might lead to Nick leaving home! That evening Emily continues on her sales pitch even after Ben has written the cheque - she is so depressing about the possibility of Ben’s death that Susan quickly shows her the door. Later that night Ben comes down to the kitchen to find Michael worrying. Ben does his best to explain about death and to reassure Michael that he has no intention of dying. He goes back up to bed to find Susan saying she’s feeling old. They are just starting to cuddle when Nick barges in to announce that Emily has dumped him. They are not particularly sympathetic and tell Nick to leave. Ben reveals he has kept Emily’s cheque for the insurance. They put out the lights but Ben injures his back and can’t move - Susan indicates that it is not a problem!

The Awkward Phase (29' 01")

First Broadcast: 30 October 2001

It is time for a clear-out, Susan giving everyone’s clothes to Oxfam, mainly Ben’s much to his horror. Brigitte is aligning the Surgery with Mother Nature, by playing Whalesong, Narwahl again much to Ben’s horror. Susan and Ben discuss the fact that Susan managed to drive the car with the brake pedal in the back seat after Nick had tinkered with the car. Nick tells Michael how to put his arm around and kiss a girl in the cinema with the use of a cushion. Michael wonders what to do if the girl doesn’t say stop. Nick has fixed Ben’s chair when he wasn’t meant to touch anything of Ben’s ever again and Nick has been growing a moustache for a week that no one can see. Janey offers Susan help, so she wants something. It turns out she wants Prada jeans from the sale. Susan decides the money should go towards college. Janey storms past Ben. Susan tells him that a patient rang, she’s lost her sixth pair of dentures. Ben ponders why he ever became a dentist. He becomes irate when he discovers Nick has fixed the squeak in his chair, as he liked it. Michael decides he wants to go to bed instead of eating Hawaiian Medley Surprise and Janey lets it slip that he’s going out with a girl from his class much to Michael’s horror. Susan thinks Ben doesn’t like the children, Ben says they frighten him. If he’d known, he’d never have had sex! Janey apologises to Michael, and tries to help him know how to behave on a date. Nick discovers Janey has spent £98 on a pair of jeans. Susan is off to pottery class and Janey confesses she has bought the jeans. Susan sits in Ben’s chair and Ben manages to drop the urn. Susan is in a mood as Ben tries to eat his breakfast. She says that they have been giving the children crossed signals. She also tells Ben that she is worried about Michael going out with a girl as girls age faster than boys. She thinks that Ben should talk to him. Ben talks to Michael in a very round about way about the facts of live. Michael is somewhat confused, and Ben says not to be in too much of a hurry to grow up. Nick goes for an interview in the Twin Exhaust office. Susan is still upset with Janey about the jeans and Janey explains they don’t give refunds. Susan wants Janey to feel really guilty. Susan and Ben are trying to stick the pot back together and Michael comes down ready to go out to the cinema. Janey and Nick are amazed that they are letting him go out on his own, Janey grumbles that they accompanied her and offered popcorn. We see Michael and his girlfriend in the cinema with Susan and Ben offering popcorn from behind. Brigitte appears on the porch at 6.30am, having lost her keys. Ben suggests she looks in her handbag and, surprisingly, there they are. Brigitte says: ‘with friends like you who needs animals?’

Much Ado About Ben (28' 58")

First Broadcast: 7 November 2000

Brigitte is her usual self in the surgery. Janey is trying to win a competition and Susan wants help with the housework. Susan finds Viagra and wonders why Nick has it. Susan is doing yoga in the bedroom when Nick comes in and starts to take the tv to his room but when told he can’t, decides to watch it in their room. He is ordered out. Susan tells Ben about the Viagra. After much discussion about Ben’s sexual prowess, Susan goes to the bathroom and we see Ben take the Viagra. Susan comes out of the bathroom and Ben is not well. Susan and Ben are in casualty with a doctor. Ben has a classic case of hypertension and although he finally admits to taking the Viagra, it wasn’t that at all. Ben is now at home. Susan has put him on a low salt, low fat diet much to Ben’s disgust. He becomes very agitated about everyone going on about him being sick, so they all agree to leave him alone. He tells Brigitte he is feeling very upset because the family don’t care about him, she suggests he reads a book by her guru, Dave, who has written a book Live for today, because tomorrow you might fall off a roof. Ben says he thinks not. We see Susan in the yoga class and her teacher Doreen has a row with her ex-husband. Susan is preparing either souffle or bouillabaise! Time will tell. Nick tells her she has a phone call, it’s from Doreen and as her husband has locked her out of the studio, she has offered to let the yoga class come to their house. Ben does a singing routine, to prove he’s happy and fine. The family is very concerned because he’s singing, and Susan is still insisting he eats a low fat etc diet. Susan suggests Ben takes Michael camping as the yoga group are coming over. Then she suggests he should join in the yoga class. He gets very fed up. They all feel better because he is back to being his normal, grumpy self. Ben goes to the pub and has one too many, when he arrives home and falls over, Nick who was sleeping on the sofa, thinks he has had a heart attack and gives him the kiss of life, much to Ben’s horror. The next morning, Ben is in need of aspirin, Susan tells him all the children saw him and Michael even made a video. Janey has aspirin in exchange for concert tickets and Ben tells Susan he has seen the error of his ways. No more drink, junk food and he’ll give yoga a try. Ben joins in with the yoga ladies, it is a disaster and he storms out to his surgery. Susan goes to the surgery later that evening to bring him home. She tells him Doreen has slumped on the sofa, after polishing off the cooking sherry. We end with them on the dentist’s chair together.