Season 6

Bliss for Idiots

Broadcast: 10/03/2006

After hearing Susan make dubious noises in the next room, Ben finds her reading Shut Up and Be Happy, a 'self-help' book by an American called Dr Buck. Ben is unimpressed. He is even less impressed when he learns that Dr Buck will be staying over at their house later in the week, whilst visiting the area on a book tour. 'Doctor' Buck spends most of his time at the Harper's flirting with Susan, who giggles, until he makes a move on her. When she tells Ben what happened, he tries to attack Dr Buck but misses, and instead falls out of the bedroom window into a pile of earth left by Michael's phoney excavations. Indeed, Michael tries to impress a woman who works at the British Museum by showing her some artefacts that he 'found' in his garden, though in reality he borrowed them from the school cabinet. He is rumbled, but not before he's made a big mess of the garden. Alfie, meanwhile, has been drinking coffee for the first time. He's been walking all day and delivers Ben his 'morning post' at 6pm. He also helps Ben to join a secret society by teaching him how to imitate a chicken. Ben's application to a country club is turned down. But by a stroke of luck, when he tells his well-spoken new patient of his ordeal, the patient invites him to join his secret society, The Brotherhood of the Cockerel. The Brotherhood's initiation ceremony is an eccentric tradition in which members dress as (and imitate) Chickens. Ben does his best chicken impersonation and is accepted into the 'roost' - but quickly leaves when the post-initiation party closely resembles a stereotypical gay disco. Roger spends much of the episode wooing Abi by speaking in Welsh. At first she thinks he's being mysterious and romantic, speaking in a 'second tongue', but actually he's repeating phrases he learnt during a summer spent working at a Welsh tourist shop. Abi remains enamoured with his words, despite Alfie's accurate translation.

The Spokes Person

Broadcast: 17/03/2006

Susan's old acquaintance Hilary Jessop arrives at the Harper residence. Hilary and her husband have recently moved back to the area, and she has joined the fundraising committee for Kenzo's nursery. Susan and Hilary have a history of domestic competition, and Hilary takes every opportunity to boast about her family's achievements while not-so-subtly putting the Harpers down. Ben has had a run-in with a cyclist while driving - literally - and is furious. He doesn't stop ranting about it until Alfie suggests that he calls West London Talk Radio to air his views. Later he is invited to discuss his hatred for cyclists at length at the radio station itself. His public and vitriolic condemnation of cyclists prompts a group of them to start a vigil outside the Harper's house, blocking the driveway, chanting and pelting anyone who tries to enter or exit the house with eggs and household waste. Kind-hearted Alfie provides them with tea and coffee. Roger has been impressing Abi with his culinary prowess - she calls him her "little cordoned off". This comes in useful for Susan, who is a notoriously bad cook, when Hilary invites herself and her family to dinner at the weekend. Roger hides in the kitchen and happily cooks all the food, with Abi's 'assistance' of course. The meal - or more specifically, the pavlova - comes to a messy end when Ben and Hilary's cyclist husband Richard have a fight. It turns out that Richard was the cyclist who clipped Ben's car... Janey gets a shock when she meets Hilary's son, who she last saw when he was a young boy. Thanks to cosmetic surgery he is no longer a nerd she knew with sticky-out ears, glasses and a lisp, but an attractive and highly successful merchant banker. Unfortunately, he now has 'intimacy issues' due to the way Janey treated him all those years ago. In a shocking apparent change of heart, Ben appears on television clad in cycling gear and completely reverses his argument, championing the cyclists and promising to give the proceeds from his cycle race to Kenzo's nursery. But did he really develop a love for cyclists, or was he just trying to rid them from his driveway...? And it all works out well for Susan, when Hilary confesses that she is jealous of Susan's colourful family life

Dentally Unstable

First Broadcast: 31st March 2006

Janey goes to her father's dental surgery for a filling, only to find that he isn't there. Instead she is served by locum Tony Bassett - who becomes her latest love interest. Michael's latest money-making scheme is revealed when he receives post intended for a Mr and Mrs Greyling. He has in fact 'sold' the Harper's address to another family so that their son will appear to be within the catchment area for a local school. Unfortunately for Janey, Toney Bassett has a wife. Susan knows this because the wife arrived on the Harper's doorstep and announced her suspicion that her husband is being unfaithful. But despite Susan's encouragement, Janey fails to end her relationship with Tony. To make matters worse, when Susan decides to confront Tony herself, she ends up falling for him too. Although Michael's scheme appeared to be going well, it begins to get out of hand when he arranges for someone to sit the Greyling son's school entrance exam. The school's headmistress asks to meet the boy and Michael try to involve the rest of the family - until Susan returns. Tony's wife visits Susan again to say that Tony has left her for his mistress, and asks whether Susan knows who it could be. But when flowers and champagne arrive for Janey, Susan devises a plan to put Tony off for good: invite him round to meet the family!

Living the Dream

First Broadcast: 07/04/2006

The Harper's boiler is broken, and it won't be fixed until the end of the week. So Susan, Janey and Kenzo are reduced to wearing their coats indoors. There's still room for some heated debate though - Janey wants Kenzo to go to a private school, but Susan defends the state education system (until she changes her mind). Ben has been at a boat show, and returns home brandishing a model of his favourite ship. His dream is to buy the full-scale working version and christen it the Salty Susan. At the surgery, one of Ben's patients spots the model boat. The patient claims to have the 41-foot version, bragging that in six months he'll be sailing around the Azores. Ben can't stand it. To make things worse, Roger is swanning around with an expensive new watch. When Ben asked how he could afford it, Roger explains that he has a new part-time job selling 'Pyramus' products. Roger invites him to a Pyramus meeting. It looks and sounds worryingly like pyramid selling - or worse still, some sort of cult. But if it was pyramid selling, would they name the scheme Pyramus? Of course not, think Ben and Susan, and though initially sceptical, they are both won over by the enthusiastic Pyramus crowd and buy a large quantity of domestic chemical products to sell. When they get home, Ben and Susan are buzzing with energy and spend quite some time feeling self-satisfied, putting Roger and Abi down. Michael is immediately suspicious when he catches them chatting, and quickly realises what is happening. He warns that they've been drawn in to a cult, but they're already too far gone. The next morning, Ben gets up early and manages to achieve two sales of floor wax to a friendly neighbour before making Susan breakfast, which he presents to her along with a very expensive handbag. But just as Ben and Susan are feeling pleased with themselves, Roger arrives in a convertible car. Fuelled by jealousy, the Harper elders quadruple their order for Pyramus 'product' - filling the garage and their lounge with merchandise. Michael estimates that it'll take 32-36 hours before they have sold to all their friends and family, therefore reaching saturation point. Sure enough, the next day Susan and Ben sit in their lounge, surrounded by boxes of merchandise they're unable to sell. Thankfully, Michael has a plan to get rid of the excess stock (for a small fee, of course)… pyramid selling. With their lounge now full of people as well as boxes, Ben tries his best to sell Pyramus to the crowd. When he realises he's losing them (not that he had them in the first place) he invites Roger to the floor to tell them all how he bought his car. Unfortunately for Ben, the answer wasn't what he was expecting: Roger informs the crowd that he bought the car with money left to him when his aunt died. To top it all off, the new boiler was made by Pyramus, and inevitably doesn't work. Instead, Ben's model boat is used as firewood.

An Embarassment of Susans

First Broadcast: 14th April 2006

Ben arrives home with exciting news: Mr Wilberforce next door has sold his house - the house that he and Susan were planning to do up. What's exciting is that Ben and Susan are the new owners! However, instead of being pleasantly surprised, Susan is not at all pleased that Ben made such a significant financial decision without discussing it with her. She wants to know who is going to do all the work. Ben says they can "get a man in". Apparently this is his answer to everything. Susan says she wants Ben to cancel the contract - until he mentions that she could do all the interior design for the house. Suddenly she isn't so keen to give it away. The next day, Susan bumps in to her best friend from school. Susan thinks her friend's daughter Suzanne would be the perfect match for Michael, and invites her round for 'tea'. When Suzanne arrives, Ben is shocked to discover that she bears a startling resemblance to Susan. Michael doesn't notice, however, as he is too busy gazing at her posterior. Ben tries to find support from Alfie. But Alfie is lost in a world of sadness - for it is the second anniversary of his dog's death. Susan fails to see any similarities when Ben explains what he's noticed. He worries about Michael's reaction when he realises. Roger visits the Harpers to say that he has seen the For Sale sign on the house next door, and intends to purchase it. Ben replies that he's already bought the property. He then demonstrates the similarities between Susan and Susazanne to Michael, who is - understandably - distressed. Especially as he did the sex with her the night before. Ben and Susan's new house has its first new resident - Terry the squatter. When they are discussing the situation with a policeman (who is unable to do anything other than file a report), Susan lets slip that she left a window open... Meanwhile, Alfie is singing a song about his dead dog to Michael and Suzanne for the third time. Suzanne hates it, but strangely Michael wants to hear it again - though in truth he just doesn't want to be left alone with Suzanne. When she does get him to herself and quickly tells him off for having spilt tea on his shirt, Michael freaks out. Ben delivers a Welcome Basket of sundries to his new squatter neighbours. He manages to talk his way into the house, but can't persuade them to leave. Luckily he has a backup plan: sell the house to Roger and make the squatters someone else's problem! Roger is of course overjoyed at the chance to buy the house, even though Ben won't let him view it. When Susan finds out his plan, Ben does seem momentarily guilty, but he doesn't try too hard to stop Roger from going through with the deal. Later, Roger finds out about the scam and is non-plussed. He, Ben and Alfie conspire to break back into the house and reclaim it from the squatters. But they're in for a big surprise when they gain access to the property - it turns out that the squatters were not squatters, but in fact the hosts of the Style Squad TV programme, who have completely renovated the house. Michael set the whole thing up, and Style Squad have added 30% to the value of Roger's house. Now it is Ben's turn to be non-plussed.

And Other Animals

First Broadcast: 21st April 2006

It's busy in the Harper household, where Janey is deciding which of her possessions to take to her flat, and Michael is preparing for his Cadet Officer Training weekend. But Susan knows this isn't going to last, and is in fact going to be spending a lonely weekend at home without her children. Even Abi will be away, as she's going to be spending the night at Rogers... for a Lord of the Rings sleepover. It is while they discuss Roger that Susan begins to question his sexuality. Could Roger be gay? Later, Ben attempts to console Susan - who is feeling deserted by her family - with scintillating conversation. It is during this uncomfortable silence that a docile but apparently stray dog wanders into the lounge from the street. The dog is friendly and cute and Ben takes an instant dislike to it. Susan completely fails to report the stray to the police, and it finds a new friend in Alfie. Alfie claims to have a talent for "dog whispering" and says that the dog has taken a particular shine to Ben. In return, Ben accuses the dog of stealing his pizza. But the pizza isn't the only thing that goes missing - the supply of beer in the fridge is mysteriously depeleted and Mr Tibbs, the precious teddy that once belonged to Janey, also vanishes. None of the disappearances turn out to be dog-related, however: in fact Ben took Mr Tibbs to a charity shop along with Janey's unwanted belongings. And it is while Janey clears out her room that she finds the culprit responsible for the missing food: Michael and his Cadet Unit are, in fact, hiding in the attic (it's a lot nicer than a ditch, after all). At Roger's, Abi has sifted through his DVD collection looking for tell-tale indicators of homosexuality and jumps to the wrong conclusion after coming across a few of the 'gay favourite' stereotypes. Roger isn't happy when he finds out, and vows to kiss her later in the evening. When the time comes, they agree to kiss on the count of three - but there is some confusion as to the exact timing. Ben returns, frustrated, from the charity shop where he had to buy back Mr Tibbs for a large sum of money. Alone with the dog and jealous of its new basket, he tries to frame the hound by squirting lemon juice on the floor, scratching the furniture with a fork and putting one of Susan's favourite slippers into the blender. Susan returns home in time to see the blender at work. The Cadet Staff Sergeant arrives at the Harper's and it looks like the game is up for Michael. But when Mikey appears silently on the stairs with his Unit, Susan distracts the Staff Sargent with a copy of the Radio Times, allowing Michael to evacuate his troops to safety. Apparently Michael dangerously overused his initiative: he was only supposed to hide for six hours, not eighteen... It looks like things have turned out badly for the dog. After eating the head of Mr Tibbs and being sent to the vets, the Harpers appear to be mourning his loss. But don't worry - he's just being sent back to his rightful owners.

The Art of Being Susan

First Broadcast: 28th April 2006

Susan's mother Grace has swept into the Harper household to keep Susan Company - and capitalise on the drinks cabinet - whilst Ben is away attending a week-long training course. Susan is already pretty well occupied, however, as she has returned to full-time work for the first since having children. She's got a job at an art gallery, where she takes her mother to attend an art collector's event. Grace is chatted up by a charming elderly gentleman, and Susan is introduced to the wealthy collector James Garrod by her deeply unpleasant boss, Simone. Simone insists that as James is such an important client, Susan should do whatever she can to make sure he's happy. Back at the house, Roger has been trying to ask Abi to marry him, without much success. The furthest he gets is "give me your hand..." before giving up and finishing with "bag". Once Abi has gone to bed, Alfie is able to offer some advice. He recommends poetry as the way to Abi's heart, but Roger is unconvinced. Later, Susan is reading in bed when the phone rings: it's James. He wants to know if she will go to dinner with him. Just to please Simone, she accepts, but not before directing a few muffled screams of frustration into the duvet. Michael is venting his own frustration the next day - by printing out digital photos of his ex-girlfriend and burning them. So he isn't really in the right frame of mind to help Roger find a way to propose to Abi. Janey is a lot more assertive though, offering to let him practice on her. Disastrously, Abi walks down the stairs just in time to see Roger apparently proposing to Janey. That night, Susan goes on her non-date with James Garrod. She really doesn't want to be unfaithful to Ben and is on the lookout for any 'signals', refusing, eventually, even to look at James. When he asks if she'd like to try some of his chicken, she stands up and yells "I am NOT going to sleep with you". The whole restaurant hears. But it turns out to be an excellent ice-breaker and, apart from one other outburst, Susan calms down. Together they discuss what has happened and realise they have been set up by Simone. When Susan and James arrive at the Harpers (genuinely for coffee) the lounge is in quite a mess. Susan doubts it could have been Michael - he doesn't have any friends. Grace is, of course, the culprit. She's been 'entertaining' the elderly gentlemen she met at the art show, Lionel Garrod - James's father! The next day at the surgery, Abi is furious with Roger and quits her job as receptionist. Roger is too caught up in his personal paradise of marriage to take any notice, however. Susan is caught having to cover for her own mother's infidelity when Lionel brings her flowers at the Harper's house, while Grace is helping another 'friend', Martin, down the stairs. Susan attempts to stall Lionel, but Martin emerges from the kitchen into which he had been shooed, determined to stir things up. He isn't, he reveals, nearly as deaf as Grace had assumed and he knows exactly what she's been saying: that she's only nice to him for his disabled parking permit and flat in Eastbourne. Lionel is not impressed and he and his son storm (well, strongly breeze) out of the house, James declaring offence on behalf of his father. Susan and he mother have a face-off in the Kitchen when Grace prepares to leave, assuming that Susan will stop her from going. She doesn't, but Grace stays anyway - they are family after all. Then Abi returns to confront Janey, followed by Roger, in the kitchen. But despite her anger, she does listen to Roger when he tries again to propose, though she's quiet a way off the mark when she finishes his sentence: yes she DOES want to be his FULL-TIME receptionist. Roger explains that he wants her not to be his receptionist, but his wife, and she faints.