Fitting Punishment

Broadcast: 21st March 2003

Ben returns home from work slightly the worse for wear and immediately seeks out more of the demon drink. His practice colleague Mr Beamish has died at the fair old age of 82 years. Micheal is taking his cadet force training very seriously and now refuses to be called "Mikey" as it is not in keeping with his new hard attitude. He enquires of Susan if he can borrow the washing line - because he wants to tie people up. Nick meanwhile is still hanging round the house despite having his own flat. He has secured himself a new job as a film extra and wants to practice by lurking in the background.  At work Ben gets a shock when the extremely irritating Roger Bailey announces his intention to move into Mr Beamish's surgery upstairs. Thinking on his feet Ben tells him it has already been occupied by a team of young fit dentists who have no intention of leaving any time soon. However Ben is distressed again when a new patient compliments him by saying he could easily pass for a 70 year old.  Not content with his washing line Michael has installed new security measures at home with a fiendish set of bolts on the front door. Ben's own efforts at home improvements result in a power cut during which Michael reveals a not very macho fear of the dark.  Back at work Ben receives another visit from Roger Bailey who gleefully informs him that they will be neighbours after all - Roger is moving into the newly vacated surgery downstairs.

They Shoot Harpers, Don't They?

Broadcast: 28th March 2003

In conversation with Susan Roger reveals a hiterto unknown talent for dancing. An expert at lambada, salsa and numerous others he wants to ask Abi out for an evening of hip swivelling. Susan tries to spur him on but when Abi returns home Roger's courage fails him.  Michael comes home from school depressed but denies anything has happened to cause his moood. He eventually comes clean under interrogation from Susan - it turns out he has 'only' achieved a B in a mid-term exam. As far as Michael is concerned it is all down hill from here.  After an initial misunderstanding where Ben thinks Michael has acquired a pet bee they have a father to son talk. Ben tells Michael to have lower expectations and then he will never be disappointed.  Meanwhile Susan has been inspired by Roger and wants to take up dancing lessons - Ben flatly turns this down but agrees to join a wine tasting class. Needless to say on arrival at the 'wine-tasting' Ben is horrified to find that the class is, in fact, 'Modern Latin Dance' and, even worse, he has just volunteered to perform a demonstration.  However by the end of the class Ben has been transformed - he reckons he has a raw untapped talent and is desperate to beat Susan in the class dancing competition.  Back at home Michael has cheered up considerably after having determined the reason for his intellectual dip - girls. Michael has been thinking too much about girls and is now hellbent on 'chemical castration' through altering his diet.  In the next week both Ben and Susan frantically practise their moves at every opportunity and Susan enlists Roger to teach her. It pays off and in the final showdown Susan is triumphant - though Ben swears blind that he intended to lose just to keep her sweet.

The Great Escape

Broadcast: 4th April 2003

Susan's dragon-like mother is coming to stay and Ben is hell bent on trying to avoid her. He concocts a plan whereby Roger will call and drag him off to a dental emergency. The plan works by the skin of its teeth and Ben heads straight for the refuge of Nick's flat.  Meanwhile Granny proceeds to make Susan's life a misery by complaining about everything from the colour of the bathroom to Michael's "condom basket". However an accident with the broken loo seat soon shuts her up.  Ben arrives home from Nick's late at night. Feeling amorous in bed he attempts to get it on with Susan before realising that "Susan" is in fact "Granny". Running downstairs to find Susan sleeping on the sofa a mortified Ben tells her that "we very nearly became a Greek tragedy!"  The following day Ben is instructed to tend to Granny while Susan goes out. However very soon he has fled and is back round Nick's. Michael, thinking that Nick's flat will be unoccupied and the ideal place to get down to some love action, then arrives with his date Fiona. Finally, her will having been broken by Granny, Abi turns up. It's now a full house at Nick's and he wants to crack open the Twister. But their fun is short lived as Susan knocks on the door - she's cracked under Granny pressure too.  Later on Granny is enjoying the run of the house - her scheme to empty it of relatives having paid off handsomely. But what's this? Nick has come home. He says he will stay with her so she won't ever be lonely. This time it is Granny's turn to flee.

Return of the Prodigal Prat

Broadcast: 11th April 2003

Susan is annoyed by the lack of activity in the Harper household and wants to go on a cultural excursion. Ben on the other hand wants to do nothing but the crossword - "You love the Tate, I love the sofa" he says. Susan eventually persuades Ben to do some DIY - converting Nick's old room into a nusery for Janey's baby.  Ben discovers his own obituary has been printed in the paper by mistake. Michael takes it upon himself to pen a funeral oration and asks Nick and Susan what his best qualities were - Nick: "His feet", Susan: "Me". Mr Gleeson, the next door neighbour, has also seen the obituary. Smitten with Susan he wastes no time in offering his companionship - she soon has him cleaning the windows and cutting the grass.  Meanwhile Nick is distressed to find his room being turned into a nursery. Feeling that he is being unceremoniously pushed out of the family nest he resolves to disrupt their plans. After Ben has put the finishing touches to the new wallpaper Nick sneaks in and tears it all down.  At the surgery Roger has moved into the 'deceased' Ben's room and already redecorated. Ben, needless to say, is furious and throws him out. His pique leads him to the newspaper offices where he threatens violence in order to get a retraction printed.  Back at home Susan puts the wallpaper back up in the new nursery and catches Nick red-handed about to rip it down again. Nick begs and pleads to be allowed home again and Susan is suckered. On Ben's return Susan has a surprise for him. Nick is asleep in the nursery's cot - "our little angel has moved back".

Owed to Susan

Broadcast: 18th April 2003

Susan has been touched by Roger's affection for Abi and invites him over to the house in a fit of matchmaking. In a romantic mood Susan recites the poem Ben wrote for her when they first got together. However Roger recognises "Susan's Face" as a real poem, by a real poet, called "Your Face". Susan, naturally enough, is livid.  Meanwhile in another money making scheme Nick has decided to become a "human labrat" and take part in medical trials. Ben, although initially concerned, is pleased to find that Nick's current set of pills might cause short term memory loss and make Nick forget where he lives.  Susan has put Ben in the doghouse because of his poetical deceit. She now feels that their love has occurred "under false pretences". Susan says she will not forgive him, and, more importantly not sleep with him again, until he writes a poem from his heart.  Meanwhile the side effects of Nick's pills are kicking in and he's now got the memory span of a goldfish. Michael (calling himself Stefan) takes advantage and makes a mint by asking repeatedly for "that £5 you owe me".  The next morning Ben and Susan are irritable due to their enforced celibacy. While Nick, having wised up to Michael's scheming, has devised a plan to remember things. He writes important notes to himself on his body and carries around annotated Polaroid’s.  Abi invites Ben to her poetry class to sharpen up his writing skills. While insulting his classmates poems Ben manages to impress the nutty Vanessa, a lady with a penchant for "cynical pigs". The next day Vanessa turns up at the surgery asking for a teeth clean from Ben but clearly after much much more.  Back at home Susan has moved an exercise bike into the bedroom to work out her sexual tension. When Ben finally arrives with his epic poem "Ode to my lady" Susan is keen to cut him short and get down to business. Ben however is put out. He has worked hard on his ode and insists she listen to the whole thing - all 30 odd stanzas. The exercise bike comes in handy after all.

Deliverance

Broadcast: 25th April 2003

Janey's baby is due in Manchester. Susan rings Janey to support (or rather annoy) her. In mid-conversation Janey hangs up and then doesn't answer the phone. Susan is convinced Janey has gone into labour. A reluctant Ben is frog marched to the car for the long drive north.  During the trip Ben and Susan have flashbacks to Nick's birth. They were getting ready for an evening of 70s disco dancing when Susan went into labour. During the dash to the hospital Ben felt The Stranglers's Peaches was the perfect mood music - until Susan threw the tape out the window. Things got even worse when the petrol ran out and Susan was forced to push the car.  Back in the modern day it seems like history is repeating itself. The car has once again run out of petrol. At a service station a starving Ben has also managed to smash up a sandwich dispensing machine. Not only does he have to pay for damages but his sandwich now has glass shards in it.  Another flashback to Nick's birth sees Susan having last minute jitters. Now she's to be a mother her dreams of going to the Galapagos Islands are fading fast. They imagine that their new son will have a brilliant career but feel sad that in just 18 years he will move out of their lives. Little do they realise.  Meanwhile Janey has phoned - she is indeed in labour and gives them the name of the hospital. However Janey hangs up when Susan reveals they are in the car on their way to Manchester.  Back in the 70s the first Harper son has been born. Ben and Susan go through likely names - Peter, Adam, Robin, Mark, David, Steven, Pegasus - all are dismissed by Ben. They decide to name him after the next person to come into the room, who happens to be 'Dr Bumface'. He explains that it's a nickname.  Finally arriving at the hospital Janey has already had the child - a boy. As Ben and Susan hold him he has a couple of 'accidents'. They spend the rest of the evening sitting in the laundrette.

Blind Justice

Broadcast: 2nd May 2003

Ben is on jury duty and Susan is jealous. While doing housework she drops off some clean laundry in Michael's room. Pulling back the bed covers she finds not just Michael but a girl lying there with him. Susan goes into shock and suffers an attack of 'hysterical blindness'.  Meanwhile things are not going well for Ben either. His jury is sitting on a vandalism trial where an employee has run amok with a haddock. Ben's hopes at a quick verdict are dashed by the overbearing fore-woman Joanna Elton-Johns. She is not impressed when Ben introduces himself as Ben Judy-Garlands.  Nick has aspirations to be the next Christo - the famous artist who wraps buildings in material. To get started he's wrapped the furniture in brown paper.  Abi tries to help the still-blind Susan navigate her way around the house using smells. Nick tells Michael that he shouldn't feel bad about making their mum go blind as the important thing is that he 'scored!'.  The second day of jury duty is no better than the first. Elton-Johns is such a stickler for the rulebook that they have to vote on what to have for lunch. Later that night, after negotiating the newly Nick-wrapped corridors, Ben speaks to Michael. He reasons that 'if you're mature enough to have sex, you're mature enough to lie about it'. To Ben's annoyance Michael finally reveals that nothing actually happened - Susan's interruption served to kill the mood.  On the last day of jury duty Ben makes an impassioned speech for a guilty verdict on the haddock sabotage case. To back his argument he has called in Exhibit A - the rancid stinking fish. Elton-Johns is not amused and knocks him out with it.  Susan and Michael have a heart to heart. Susan recovers her vision and all seems well with her faculties until Michael tells her he will wait until his wedding night - 'just like you did Mum'. This last bit of cheek renders her deaf.

Friday the 31st

Broadcast: 9th May 2003

It's Halloween. Susan goes in for the festivities in a big way but Ben is, how should we say, not so keen. Susan decks the house out in pumpkins, spiders and skeletons. Worse still for Ben, as all the kids will be out, Susan is adamant that he participates in some spooky goings-on.  Susan dresses up as a witch but Ben refuses to put on the costume she has hired for him. Answering the first knock on the door from trick or treaters Ben is his usual grumpy self. He gets an egg thrown at him as a reward.  The next knocker is Mr Green and his son Timmy. Susan has invited them over to see her witch's coven. Timmy is not impressed by Susan's special effects at all - 'have you seen Lord of the Rings?' he asks. Ben, on the other hand, does a far better job of scaring Timmy. A lecture on the finality of death and the non-existence of the afterlife soon reduces Timmy to tears.  Roger arrives dressed as a ghost, or rather dressed in a big white sheet. The trick or treaters knock again. Ben is prepared this time and offers them some chocolates. However the ungrateful swine don't like orange crèmes and proceed to pelt him with more eggs.  When the trick or treaters knock yet again the sweets have run out and Susan offers them a biro instead. The kids are not happy. The house is then besieged by malevolent children desperate for a sugar fix.  Abi arrives dressed as a wedge of cheese. She has run a gauntlet outside as she felt the kids were going to eat her. Worse still the garden furniture is soon set alight and the police are called.  Unfortunately, thinking they are the trick or treaters, Roger manages to shower the police officers in rotten eggs when they arrive.  At the end of an eventful night it seems there is something genuinely spooky happening in the house. Noises from upstairs and a very mobile skeleton put the Harpers on edge. Then an axeman starts to make his way down the stairs...  It's Mr Green. Furious that Ben made his little boy cry he has been exacting his revenge.

Sitting Targets

Broadcast: 16th May 2003

Michael has got an A for his geography project but he's not happy. Ben has been weaseling his way out of reading it - even though Susan, Nick and Abi have all done so. Meanwhile Nick is busy organising his love life. He has three girls on the go, Karen, Lisa and Monique. This requires him to divide his tokens of love (flowers and chocolates) into three - in novel ways.  Susan forces Ben to have a fatherly chat with Michael. Michael does most of the talking and tells Ben that he is 'detached, selfish and sucks the joy out of everything'.  Janey has left baby Kenzo with Susan for the evening. But Susan is bored by the sleeping Kenzo and wakes him up. This turns out to be a mistake. Kenzo cries inconsolably until Nick magically manages to silence him.  Ben has tried to engage with Michael by buying a World War Two Red Cross truck model kit. Michael is not impressed. However he reveals a hitherto unknown interest in flying saucers and asks Ben to join him for UFO watch.  Up in Michael's bedroom Ben is bored out of his mind scanning the night skies. The vigil is only enlivened when Nick appears - out enjoying a stroll and cigarette on the roof.  Kenzo is still crying at bed time. Susan and Ben take it in turns to try and calm him before resorting to calling Nick in. On the positive side Nick shuts Kenzo up. On the negative side this means he will have to spend the night with Ben and Susan - in their bed.  In the morning Michael is still annoyed at Ben - saying that not only hasn't he read his geography project but he also didn't enjoy the UFO watch. To make up for it Michael wants Ben to tell Susan he believes in UFOs. The whole family gather round as Ben announces that he thinks aliens are visiting earth.  Later on Michael attends a prize giving ceremony at his 'Diogenes Club'. Michael wins 1st prize to hearty applause. What for? For getting his dad to tell his mum he believes in UFOs.

Loco Parentis

Broadcast: 23rd May 2003

Susan is on the phone to Michael's headmaster. Apparently Michael is not at school and moreover has a history of playing truant. Susan isn't having any of it - Michael is not 'some woolly hatted skate boarding loser' as she puts it. Imagine her surprise then when Michael breezes past.  At the surgery Roger is in an elated mood - he has crossed the line from acquaintance to friendship with Abi. She has asked him to go shoe shopping with her. Ben points out that the friend zone is the worst place to be in.  Ben and Susan meet with the Headmaster, Mr Morris, to discuss Michael's truanting. Mr Morris says they need to have a more relaxed attitude and signs them up for a parenting class. Ben wonders why he can't just give Michael a 'damn good hiding'.  Back at home Susan is telling Roger that women prefer mean men - especially Abi who has her sights set on the very mean Craig. Roger vows to be nastier to her in future.  At their first parenting class Ben and Susan find that their counsellor is in fact Mr Morris himself. Susan is then told that Michael's truanting is all her fault.  Susan has vowed to become a hands-off parent and be a slob like Ben. She tries not to bat an eyelid when Michael announces that he's off to go skateboarding under a flyover. She even controls herself when he asks 'has anyone seen my crack pipe?'.  Later that night Michael sneaks back in from his 'all night rave' but Ben is too drunk to tell him off and Susan is sticking to her guns and pretending not to care. This state of affairs is not pleasing Michael. Now Susan has become a slob there are now 'two Bens' and a power vacuum has developed. One of the Ben's (i.e. Ben) will have to go. Ben is not happy and begs Susan to resume her authoritative role. Thank god, she says, 'do you know how exhausting it is doing nothing?!'  Michael's truanting is now solved by a good deal of shouting from Abi, Susan and Ben. He scurries off to school. Roger arrives and, testing out his new lean mean persona, calls Abi ugly and a 'pile of old dog poo'. She slaps him and storms out. Roger is euphoric - 'next stop: full sex!'

The Canary Cage

Broadcast: 30th May 2003

The Harpers are in Spain. Susan has wangled a free holiday for four. Ben, true to form, is pessimistic about the prospects of being able to enjoy himself. Their luggage has already been lost by the airline but Ben's new toy is keeping him occupied - a digital camera.  Ben and Susan go shopping for clothes. While at the store they are approached by police officers warning them of pickpockets. Unfortunately the 'police officers' are themselves scammers who steal Ben's money and credit cards.  Back at the villa Susan tries to organise replacement cards. Ben plays with his camera outside but he's not careful where he points it. He accidentally snaps his topless bathing neighbour. Ben narrowly avoids being beaten up by her irate husband.  Without any money Ben and Susan are reduced to grovelling when Nick pulls out his own stack of cash. However Ben refuses to meet Nick's demands to make monkey noises in return for a loan and thus goes hungry. A starving Ben is then caught trying to steal some leftover breakfast from next door. This time he cannot avoid a punch in the face.  Things aren't going well for Susan either. While buying insect bite cream she tries to use her pigeon Spanish. Unfortunately she ends up propositioning the chemist and is assaulted by his jealous wife.  The holiday brightens when Nick offers to take Ben and Susan to dinner - with no strings attached. However at the end of a hearty meal Nick reveals a very big string - he has run out of money. The three of them have to make a run for it without paying.  The apartment is now overrun with outraged people. The restaurant staff have chased the Harpers home, while the neighbours want Ben thrown out for his anti social behaviour. In the midst of the madness a delivery arrives - the replacement credit card. Ben wastes no time in booking a first class flight home.

May The Best Man Win

Broadcast: 6th June 2003

Abi's dad (and Ben's cousin) Richard arrives at the surgery and announces his impending wedding. It's not a cause for celebration - Richard has been married four times already and his latest bride-to-be is only 18 years old. However Ben is feeling pleased with himself as Richard has asked him to be best man.  Later on Abi is distraught at the news - particularly as she went to school with daddy's fiancé. Ben is hitting problems preparing his best man speech. He can't think of a nice word for 'pillock'.  Meanwhile the kitchen sink has turned into a health hazard as Michael is refusing to do the washing up. Nick remarks that the piled crockery has become like a 'massive game of Jenga'.  Nick offers to help Ben with the stag night organisation. His services don't come for free though. Ben beats him down from £3000 to £200.  At such a bargain basement cost it was predictable that the stag night would be a disaster. There is no music, food or booze and the venue is next door to a pipe smoker's convention. Richard thinks it is the worst stag night he's had - and one of his previous five was in prison. In an effort to liven the night up Nick enlists Susan's help. She's going to jump out of a huge cake like a stripper gram.  Susan partakes in some Dutch courage in order to calm her nerves. She steels herself to leap from the cake... and finds herself surrounded by pipe smoking strangers. Yes there are two giant cakes and they have been accidentally mixed up.

It's a Window Filled Life

Broadcast: 13th June 2003

Michael is testing a new toy, a sausage firing bazooka. In the process he smashes the living room window. Susan is not pleased. Neither is Nick - the bazooka was integral to his new high speed food delivery venture.  A difficult patient at the surgery inspires Ben to bunk off work and go home early. However the afternoon of relaxation he envisaged is scuppered by Susan who wants him to fix the broken window. Michael meanwhile has retired to his bedroom to do some serious snogging with Fiona.  Roger arrives panic stricken. One of the patients has apparently caught Ortes River Fever. The surgery has been closed and everyone is to adhere to strict quarantine. Ben is furious that Roger has endangered them. Susan however leaps into action. No-one is to leave the house and she will get advice from NHS Direct.  Nick tries to gain access to the house with the pregnant Pamela. However Pamela is a snake and Nick intends to sell her eggs. Needless to say he is locked out by Susan and Ben.  Exasperated by his failure to fix the window Ben finally climbs out of it to escape the quarantine. At the stream in the park he is accosted by a do-gooder, Clarence, who thinks Ben is suicidal. Ben falls into the stream and then goes to Clarence's house to dry off.  Ben is feeling sorry for himself. He says he is a black cloud who makes his family's lives miserable by always complaining. It would have been better for them had he never been born. Clarence says he's wrong and will show him so.  Ben and Clarence magically visit the Harper home. In Ben's place there is another man - Len. He is a chiropodist. Nick is still after money, Susan has just cooked a terrible dinner and Michael is still a know-it-all. Ben joyfully realises the happy truth that without him his family would be just as they are. He has had no effect on their outcome whatsoever - 'They're the crazy ones!'  Back at the house Susan has finally got some medical advice and apparently there is no such thing as Ortes River Fever. It seems that Roger's patient made the disease up in order to cancel his appointment. Ben returns home ecstatic. He feels something has changed in his life. He grabs Susan for a quick grope in the closet only to find Michael and Fiona have already bagged it.  Beneath the house there is movement - Nick has tunnelled under so that Pamela can lay her eggs in the warm.