All Roads Lead To Ramon

The Unkindest Cut

Parisian Beauty

First Broadcast: 14 September 2001

Janey has a French exchange student coming to stay. Michael is horrified to discover that he will have to sleep in Nick’s room. Nick is not sleeping as part of a science experiment. Ben comes home from a miserable day at work and wants to relax. Susan has planned some French entertainment and has rented the film Gigi.  When Sylvie arrives she is a big hit especially with Michael and Nick. Nick dresses as a French Existentialist. Sylvie is not very impressed. Nick gives Michael tips on how to survive in his bedroom. Ben is enjoying the fact that Sylvie is laughing at his jokes until she becomes too 'tactile' and tells him how much she likes English men. Sylvie has bought Susan a beautiful present from Harrods. Janey thinks Sylvie is a creep and expresses her displeasure to Ben. Nick dresses up as a typical Englishman, with pipe and smoking jacket to impress Sylvie. Nick asks Ben advice on Sylvie, Ben is uncomfortable as he believes Sylvie is interested in him.  Nick sets fire to himself with the pipe and Sylvie puts him out. Susan is concerned that Janey doesn’t like Sylvie. Ben tells Susan that he is more worried that Sylvie likes him too much. Susan finds this hilarious. Ben is getting more and more paranoid about Sylvie. Nick’s room seems to be having a strange affect on Michael. Sylvie rings Paris and is overheard saying that someone is mignon! Nick talks to Ben again about Sylvie and he gets the impression that Sylvie is after Ben. Ben goes to Sylvie’s room to sort it out. Sylvie asks Ben’s opinion on a negligee and finally Ben realises that the negligee is for Susan. Ben is made to suffer for his mistake, but the attention is taken away from him when Janey realises that Sylvie is after Brian. This results in a girl fight and girl chase much to the delight of Nick, Michael and Brian.  Sylvie has gone back to Paris and Susan feels that it has all been a waste of time. Nick is dreaming about the girl fight and Janey insults him in perfect French so perhaps it was not a complete waste after all.

Trust Never Sleeps

First Broadcast: 21 September 2001

Ben has another assistant. This one was married to a dentist who ran off with his young assistant.  Ben is trying to get into the bathroom but Janey is in there and Nick is waiting outside too. No one can use the other loo as Nick cracked it. Susan wants to talk to Ben in private. She has ‘found’ Janeys diary. There is nothing in it about Ben. He is hurt. He tries yet again to get in the bathroom but Michael nips in first. Nick thinks he might be telepathic. Nick has had another go at fixing Ben and Susans Bathroom toilet and cracks it in half. Janey got an A for her French and would like a party. Susan says as she trusts Janey she can have one while they stay away at friends in Oxford. Ben thinks she is crazy. Ben and Susan set out for Oxford. Stop at an off licence and overhear the salesman talking about a girl whose parents are mad enough to leave her alone to have a party. The decide to sneak home and make sure all is well. They get caught in the bedroom and don’t want Janey to find them as she will think they don’t trust her.  The party goers arrive. Ben and Susan start to drink the wine they bought. A neighbour, Mrs Norton, calls Susan on her mobile to say the music is very loud. Susan says she is in Oxford. Ben and Susan get into bed, all the youngsters come in to put their coats on the bed. Michael tries to pick up Sophie. A couple come in and leap on the bed. Janey follows and throws them out of her parents bedroom. Michael tries to pick up the same girl unsuccessfully. Ben needs to wee, but the loo is broken. Nick tries to pick up another girl unsuccessfully. Ben contemplates relieving himself in the basin. Mrs Norton calls Susan and says she can see a man urinating out of the window. Susan realises it is Ben and shuts the window. Mrs Norton now says she can see a woman there and they are arguing. Michael tries to pick up a girl and again is unsuccessful. Ben decides he needs to get to the bathroom and just makes it when the girls come in. Ben is trapped behind the shower curtain. The girls leave and Nick comes in for a smoke. Ben asks him for help and Nick suggests he climbs out of the window. Nick pulls Ben's towel off and Janey comes in and discovers her father hanging naked outside the bathroom. Janey rings Susan but Susan says she can’t help as she is in Oxford.

Death & Ben Take A Holiday

Driving Miss Crazy

First Broadcast: 5 October 2001

Ben has yet another assistant, Trudy, who is afraid of the sight of blood, and ends up fainting. Janey is about to take her driving test and Nick and Michael are helping her swot up. Janey wants someone to take her driving but doesn’t want to ask Ben. Ben returns from work and steps in dog poo from neighbour Mr Casey’s dog. Mr Casey comes round, his wife has just died so he bought the dog. Ben thinks Mr Casey has come to apologise but he has come to ask Ben to mend his fence, cut back the trees and get rid of the scruffy shed. Meanwhile Nick tries to give the dog some of Susans lasagne but the dog growls at it.  6.00am the next morning Ben cant’t sleep and brings Susan breakfast, they open the curtains and Mr Casey is looking in repairing his guttering. Mr Casey has replaced Bens fence and taken up eight centimetres of Bens garden. He is furious. Nick has taken Janey out driving in Bens car and deployed the air bag. Janey wants Michael to take her. Ben offers to take her but she laughs. Michael and Janey are sneaking out. Michael has a beard on and cushions to sit on. Susan catches them. Susan takes Janey to the car but they return within seconds having argued. Ben is full of glee when Mr Caseys paper is delivered to his house. He tries to do the crossword. Mr Casey comes round to retrieve it and brings Ben's back. They argue. He leaves and Ben realises he has done his crossword too. Mr Casey has burned down Bens shed. Ben takes Janey driving for three hours. They’ve been following Mr Casey. Ben asks for his toolbox but Nick has sold it. Two television researchers come to the door, from Nightmare Neighbours, Mr Casey has sent them. Ben sends them packing. Ben starts playing music out of the window in the night. Mr Casey plays music back. Ben takes Janey out for her test and manages to run over Mr Caseys dog. Meanwhile Susan has asked Mr Casey for tea. Ben and Janey return, she has passed but comes in weeping. Susan can not understand why Ben is being so nice to Mr Casey. We end on Susan going to the pet shop and Ben going to the estate agents.

I Second That Emulsion

First Broadcast: 12 October 2001

Morning, Ben enters in a foul mood to find Janey and Michael enjoying a breakfast of Tuscan Omelette. Janeys boyfriend Brian is fixing a shelf. Susan offers to pay him but he just wants to help. Nick has a new job, tuning Ben's piano. Ben is upset that Brian has fixed the shelf for Susan and even more upset when he realises he has done a good job. Susan asks Brian to re-decorate the house. Michael has bought a nifty nabber and grabs the toast from Ben's breakfast. Ben realises that Brian has been sleeping in Janeys bedroom. Ben tells Susan and they agree to talk to Janey together. Janey can’t see the problem, Susan backs down completely and Michael isn’t bothered by what Janey does in the slightest. Susan still can’t decide on colours but doesn’t want beige. Nick is still tuning the piano. Brian has prepared the sitting room, covering both Nick and Michael with dust sheets but he can’t start until Susan makes her mind up. Susan is hovering outside Janeys room the next morning as she is trying to make Janey and Brian come out. Both she and Ben are caught on the landing listening at the door by Janey and Brian.  Ben goes in to a paint shop to buy paint and discovers Nick working there. Nick persuades him to buy the paint from him. When Ben gets it home it is the wrong colour! Brian still can’t start decorating and Janey asks him to stay for the 'day, night and whatever'. Ben and Susan are mortified. Susan talks with Janey but gets nowhere. Ben returns to the paint shop to get his money back only to be told Nick has left, and he owes for all Nicks mistakes. He returns with the right paint but Susan still is unsure. Janey comes downstairs to take Brian up to bed. Brian confesses to Ben he doesn’t know what to do about staying over. Ben says he doesn’t want to know but suggests he pretends to leave and then climbs through Janeys window. Meanwhile Ben takes the credit for Brian going home and Susan is impressed until Brian comes back down the stairs for a glass of water. Susan decides she may not redecorate after all. The next morning Ben discovers that Nick has tuned every note on the piano to middle C.

The Age Of Romance

First Broadcast: 19 October 2001

The Family play a game of scrabble in the kitchen. It ends in the usual disaster. Michael gets a new computer because the school say he is gifted. Janey feels very left out and Nick is in love, again. Nick's older girlfriend comes to collect Nick. Susan and Ben are staggered and both mistake her for Nick's girlfriend's mum. Susan and Ben have a misunderstanding when Ben says Nick’s girlfriend is not that old, not old enough to be his mother and he ends up on the landing. Ben suggests they don’t interfere. Susan tries to have a heart to heart with Nick, with Janey earwigging and joining in. Susan tells Nick how worried she is about the age difference. He mentions he may marry her but changes his mind when he is reminded of his parents marriage. They all fight about who will have Nicks room when he leaves. Nick is going out with Amanda for the evening. Ben and Susan have another chat about Amanda's age and Ben ends up being rude to Susan. Ben is on the landing again. Susan thinks Ben should talk to Nick. He would rather not. Nick tries to talk to Ben and ends up finding him hiding in the broom cupboard. He tells Ben Susan wants to invite Amanda round for dinner and leaves Ben in the cupboard. Janey is jealous of Michael and suggests he go away to school, even getting him the brochures. Susan discovers Amanda is married and tells Janey she most definitely can not come to dinner. Susan and Ben await the arrival of Amanda and Nick. Nick arrives with champagne. Susan tells Nick Amanda is married. Nick already knows. Nick has told Amanda that Ben is a secret agent. Ben, Susan, Nick and Amanda talk about marriage and fidelity on the sofa, it ends up in a fight. Nick enjoys it all. The next day Susan and Nick have a heart to heart and Amanda has finished with him because she didn’t like his parents. Nick is happy, Michael is pleased with his computer and Ben has bribed Janey with shoes. Ben gets punched by Amanda’s husband who mistakes him for Nick. It is take your Child to work day. Ben and Michael are in the surgery. Ben is trying to entertain Michael and persuade him that dentistry isn’t boring – without success.  Susan discovers Amanda is married and tells Janey she most definitely can not come to dinner. Susan and Ben await the arrival of Amanda and Nick. Nick arrives with champagne. Susan tells Nick Amanda is married. Nick already knows. Nick has told Amanda that Ben is a secret agent. Ben, Susan, Nick and Amanda talk about marriage and fidelity on the sofa, it ends up in a fight. Nick enjoys it all. The next day Susan and Nick have a heart to heart and Amanda has finished with him because she didn’t like his parents. Nick is happy, Michael is pleased with his computer and Ben has bribed Janey with shoes. Ben gets punched by Amanda’s husband who mistakes him for Nick. It is take your Child to work day. Ben and Michael are in the surgery. Ben is trying to entertain Michael and persuade him that dentistry isn’t boring – without success.

Get Cartier

First Broadcast: 26 October 2001

Ben interviews an assistant, James. Ben wonders what to give Susan for her anniversary. This year it's to be tyres, steel belted. Mrs Nancy, the old assistant is asleep on the job. Patient Mr Smith pays cash as he is so pleased with the work Ben has done. He gives him a wad of money. He asks about a dental plan, for his thugs. Ben suspects he is a hood. Mr Smith doesn’t want a receipt. 24 anniversary, Susan looks for her anniversary present and asks Michael and a friend to help her. She wants to find the present so she can exchange it for something she wants before he gives it to her. Ben comes home unnerved because he thinks Mr Smith is an underworld King Pin. He does organised dances and waste removal. Susan doesn’t believe him. Janey likes the look of the mob money. During dinner they hear a thud. It’s a delivery of tyres which Ben has asked to be delivered to the surgery. They were delivered by hoods. The kids are impressed. Susan wishes they would take the garden gnomes from the Baxters next door.  That night Ben hears something arrive. Susan goes down and finds meat on the doorstep. She wakes Ben. Chops, fillets, mince are in the box. The next thud is Nick arriving home. Susan wants to accept the meat. Nick is in the bed and Ben thought he was a decapitated horse. Melinda wants Nick to change, he is very upset. He doesn’t want to change. Ben arrives at work the next day and a young thug is in the chair. He broke in. It is Moo, dental assistant, nephew of Mob Mr Smith, who has been sent by ‘Uncle John’ to assist Ben. He gives him a Cartier watch to thank him for hiring him. Michael/Janey are dealing ‘presents’ from the house. They are selling the gifts. Ben hides the watch in the box under the tv. Along with the fire extinguisher with a bow on. Susan says they were wrong to accept the gifts. They must send them back. Ben is nervous. While he goes to meet uncle John in the bar and tells him he doesn’t want the gifts or Moo. Susan looks for her present and finds the ‘watch.’ Mr Smith takes gifts back, and takes Moo back too. He accepts the watch back but Ben can’t find it. Because Susan has found it and is thrilled. Ben is too worried about the gifts to help Nick. Nick suggests asking for the watch back and setting fire to the house so she will appreciate the fire extinquisher. Ben gives a real cartier back to Mr Smith. He is thrilled as Ben has given him a real watch back and not the fake. The jewellers called and Susan knows her watch is counterfeit but that Ben has already bought a real one. Ben rushes out to buy the watch back from Mr Smith.

Tis Pity She's A Whore

First Broadcast: 2 November 2001

Ben and Susan are in Bed when the phone rings at 5 in the morning. It is Susans mother inviting them to her funeral. Susan refuses to visit just because she says she is dying. Susan is making a shopping list to replace everything Nick has eaten. Janey is in a mood as someone has used all her shampoo. Michael is the culprit. Susan says she can buy six bottles as long as Janey goes to visit her grandmother. Michael is standing for election at school, as a Tory. Janey goes to visit her gran, who wants her to tell Susan she was coughing up blood so she will feel guilty and visit. Janey discovers Michael has marked all the items he wants when his granny dies. Janey starts to do the same, when her grandmother explains that Janeys great grandmother ran a brothel in the West End. She was a prostitute. The boys come home to find Ben and Susan in a clinch on the kitchen counter. Much to their disgust. Michael has made his speech and Ben is still horrified that Michael is a Tory. Janey comes home and tells the family Great Grandma was a hooker. Janey wants to tell her friends, and Michael thinks it will ruin his political career if it gets out.  Ben is upset because his side of the family is boring. Ben looks through his photos for something interesting about his family. He reminisces about the haberdashery shop which they owned for 4 generations in Derby. He explains all about tie knots to Nick. Ben then bores a patient and his new assistant, about his past. Ben realises he is boring after all. Susan finally visits her mother. Susan accuses her mother of just telling Janey about Grandma without consulting her so that she would visit. Michael practises for his debate with Janey and Nick's help. Ben returns and says he is dull and forgettable. Michael calls him a little man. Ben is downhearted. He decides he needs to make a statement. Michael suggests a bench. Ben is looking for a site for his bench. Michael comes home from school very upset as they knew about there being a prostitute in the family, as Janey had told them, and that he was adopted. Nick visits his grandmother much to her horror and breaks a plate. Ben visits his bench at night to take a photo of it and finds a tramp sitting on it. Two hookers then arrive and as he is offering to pay them to move a young pc arrives and arrests Ben. The next day Ben's picture is in the paper, Ben is terribly upset. Susan reassures him that no one will know its him when Susans mother calls and asks if it is Ben.

The Last Supper

First Broadcast: 9 November 2001

Susan is in a Beatle costume because she has to meet a tour group in Abbey Road. Nick stabs himself with a fork as he thinks he is still asleep but he obviously isn’t as he feels the pain. Susan comes home from work and sees Nick launching himself onto the sofa. She wants the three children to help tidy up as her Boss is coming to dinner. Susan asks Ben to clean the guest toilet and owns up that Scott Taylor is over from America and wants to dine with them. Susan and Ben offer Nick 50 quid to take the children out to dinner. Susan is anxious about the dinner. Ben tries to sneak out with the children when they leave. They push him back in. Susan offers to do the ‘thing’ if Ben helps her out tonight. Scott arrives with airline soaps as a gift. The taxi hasn’t been paid. Ben is despatched to do it and bring in his bags. Scott has also bought the wine. Small airline bottles. Scott enjoys the shepherds pie. After dinner Susan suggests they get rid of the costumes for her tour guides. Ben is in the kitchen drinking wine out of a pint mug when he is meant to be making the coffee. Scott and Susan disagree. Ben enters with coffee and Scott doesn’t feel well. They have to sleep on the sofa as Scott takes his bed. Nick enters and is about to leap on the sofa when he realises they are under the duvet.  Susan prepares breakfast and asks Ben to go and wake Scott. Ben comes down stairs and can’t bring himself to tell the family Scott is dead. The police arrive and Susan wants to confess to it being her fault. Nick fancies the policewoman, Stepahnie. Ben and the officer end up watching the game. Michael makes an estimate as to the time of death and he is spot on. Nick has asked out Stephanie. Ben and Susan have doubts about sleeping in the bed where Scott died. They sleep on the couch. Susan goes to confession. She confesses she has killed a man. By arguing. She argues with the priest, who falls asleep and suggests she tries the Methodists. Ben is stripping the bed to take it downstairs before the new one arrives. Michael and Janey won’t help without money. The mattress falls on Ben. Nick arrives home and chats with Ben under the mattress. Nick is already tired of Stephanie. Ben and Susan chat in bed and wonder about the ‘thing’. Susan thinks Scott is still in the bedroom. They move to the sofa. Nick arrives home in handcuffs having finished with Stephanie.

Ben Wants To Be A Millionaire

First Broadcast: 16 November 2001

Ben has a bossy new over-efficient assistant, Laura. Mr Henshaw comes in. An extremely nervous patient. Ben's old school friend arrives unannounced and invites Ben and Susan to dinner with his wife who is about to have surgery. Andy has just sold a string of companies and is investing in the stock market. Much to Ben's horror they go out to dinner. Susan meanwhile makes Borsht for the childrens' dinner. Susan is in the middle of learning Russian for a Russian tour group who are to arrive shortly. Janey wants Prada shoes. Nick comes into the hall hears the tape and think they have a ghost. Ben is desperate not to go to dinner with Andy and Ambyr (his very young wife) Banks as he didn’t like him at school. Ambyr is having a mole removed from her bottom. She has silicone implants which Ben is invited to touch and he does. Meanwhile the children throw away just enough borsht to make Susan think they have eaten it. When they return home Susan is upset that Ben touched Ambyrs breasts. Nick has decided to start a new business selling his body parts. Ben is upset that Andy is so successful and obviously happy. Susan puts the Russian tape on to learn as they go to sleep. Ben gets up and goes to call Andy for a share tip. Ben gets a tip and decides to gamble some of Nicks college fund.  Susan finds Michael investing in the Caymans. Mr Henshaw returns with a cracked filling but Ben is too intent on his share dealings. The shares start to rocket. Susan starts to think about new houses and villas in Tuscany. Janey still just wants Prada shoes. Andy and Ambyr come to say goodbye and don’t tell Ben whether to sell or not. Susan advises Ben to sell but he takes no notice. Once the stock starts to fall he asks Michael. Nick has decided to become a sperm donor as ebay won’t sell body parts. Michael has Prada shoes much to Janeys horror. Ben returns home and has lost all but £200. When he says at least we have the other college funds, Susan tells him she invested on a tip and lost that too. We end with Michael reading the financial section telling his father Dynoblast has rocketed. Nick is in the bathroom 'working'.

Breakable

First Broadcast: 30 November 2001

Ben is on a surgery table waiting for an anaesthetic. His surgeon and nurses arrive, they are his three children. It was a nightmare. Susan is doing the washing and Janey is getting ready for her new waitressing job in Soho. She is hoping to be discovered. Susan finds over a thousand pounds in Nicks trousers. Nick says he saved it up from his severance pay. He also has a bank account! Nick is going to buy a motorbike so he can start a stunt team. He is startng it with a partially blind friend and a dog. Later that night Ben and Susan discuss Nick and his display team. Ben finds it funny and Susan is worried he will get hurt and end up in hospital. Janey says her job is boring and Susan is delighted as it is safe. Janey wonders where the famous people are in the restaurant. Nick comes down in his leather gear to leave for his stunt team. Nick is in hospital with a broken leg, arm three broken ribs and whiplash. He is chatting up nurses when Ben and Susan arrive. Susan is very upset and Ben is angry at Nicks stupidity. Susan brings in Nicks old teddy and leaves. Ben to talk to Nick in a fatherly fashion. Nick needs a bottle to pee in and asks Ben to help him!  Susan, Ben and Michael eat dinner and Michael misses Nick now as he has no one to give his dinner to. Susan is now worrying about the safety of the other children and doesn't want Michael to go to chess club. Janey is in line for her third warning at the restaurant. Janey thinks that a table full of chaps are from Paramount. Susan has taken something important out of Nicks teddy. She has brought him lunch and throws away his lovely hospital food. Susan spoon feeds Nick. It's cold ratatouille. Susan blames Ben for Nicks accident. Ben has to tell Nick he loves him before Susan will sleep with him. Ben arrives with plums for Nick, tries to apologise and tell him he was reckless when he was young. Janey is still being rude to clients in the restaurant and she is fired. The family are getting ready for Nick coming home, Nick was discharged early because he was in a theatre hanging out with the guys and they turned out to be heart surgeons. Nick is going to take up flying. While Ben is ordering Pizza, Nick is playing with candles. His plaster catches fire. The next day Ben goes to his surgery and is cleaning up graffitti when Susan comes in and suggests it was one of his sacked assistants who did it.